he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
