I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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