ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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