It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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