She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
