I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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