masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
