i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
