I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
