I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
this hospital has no fireball
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
