mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
