In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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