Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
