omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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