Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
