Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
