I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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