So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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