I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
