I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
