so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
