i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
nutella sex= disaster
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
