She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
