I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
