I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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