I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
