Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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