remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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