Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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