I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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