hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
