Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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