i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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