Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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