Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
how drunk are you?
Several
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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