Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
