when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
