The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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