; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
