yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
