Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
