I'm so fucking centered right now
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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