My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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