Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
