Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
