Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
