one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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