I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
