She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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