Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
