Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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